Sunday 18 October 2009

Demon's castle on my mobile phone


I was cycling through my usual java games download page when I saw this: "Demon's castle". The title itself is really atracting like "Oh my fucking god! a castle full of demons and all that shit" and the image looks pretty good; all I could think of was that this might be like those platform games where you go around killing monsters (or demons) pretty much like Castlevania, and actually it is exactly that, just like a Castlevania. It's a sidescroll where you start at the entrance of a castle and monsters appear and you have to beat the shit out of them, you have three different kind of weapons, I think fire, ice and lightning and that's almost it, beat the shit out of everything in your way.

Those kind of games work fine, sidescrolling beat the shit out of everything action, Castlevania is a perfect example, you've played them and you know they kick ass. there's a couple actually for the mobile phone, I have on mine a "Castlevania Dawn of sorrow" which is actually awesome and pretty much hard I must say, despite the fact that the controls are a little shitty, it just great; I also have this other "Castlevania", great also, it even has a remixed version of a classic Castlevania song (I can't recall it's name now) which makes the gameplay more awesome, the bad thing, it's on Japanese... yeah, I can't understand a shit out of the menus or the storyline...

There is this other game that emules Castlevania that I've been playing, it's called "Soul of darkness", I must dare to say that this one is even better than Castlevania Dawn of sorrow, the gameplay is the same, advance through the stage beating the shit out of everything, you get to upgrade your weapons, you have magic attacks, you find pieces of shit that when you collect them your health or your magic goes up, you can transform in some of your enemies in certain places, well, the game is good, recomendable, its a little hard and tricky sometimes, play it.

Then it's Demons castle... I even erased a song because I was lacking 85 kb (yeah, my phone is all stuffed) and I must say, I'm gonna regret that 'till the end of my life, This game is fucking shit! It's the same as if you get a drunk bum to shit on the street, then a dog to pee on the shit, then a woman to squirt her used tampons on top of it and then taking everything and putting it into your cel phone! what a horrible piece of damnation this is! The music sucks pig's ass, it's like a bad rendered MIDI looping all over again, the graphics are not that bad, looks pretty, but fuck! CAN'T HE WALK ANY MORE SLOWER?!! I don't know if you can run, I haven't found how to, but i guess that, if horrible things and demons are following you to eat the living shit out of your ass, THEN YOU MUST BE ABLE TO FUCKING RUN!! Movement is sooo dull and stiff, even when he jumps is shitty, just going through that tiny screen of your phone is like an eternity, IT'S FUCKING SLOW. Another thing, the enemies are always too up or too short to hit, there are some tiny motherfuckers that are so short that most of the time you can't hit them without getting hit!! what the fuck! if it's a beat the shit out of everything game I guess you should BE ABLE TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING!! but there are this enemies that you just cant hit!

Enough of this shit. This shit sucks whore's ass. play it if you want, but you could as well play with a dog's turd, perhaps that will be more fun.